“How to Respond, Not React: Trauma-Informed Approaches to Tantrums and Big Feelings” by Cat Myers LISW, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional

If you’ve ever been in the middle of a store with a child screaming at the top of their lungs, you know how overwhelming tantrums can feel. Maybe you’ve been the parent trying to wrangle a toddler while strangers glance your way. Or perhaps you’re the nanny doing your best to soothe a child who is suddenly inconsolable. In those moments, it’s easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or helpless.

Here’s the good news: children’s tantrums and big feelings aren’t proof of “bad behavior” or “bad parenting.” They’re actually a sign that a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed and needs help finding calm again. This is where a trauma-informed approach makes all the difference! 

Rather than reacting out of stress, trauma-informed caregiving teaches us to slow down, care for ourselves, understand what’s happening beneath the child’s behavior, and respond in ways that help children feel supported. Over time, this doesn’t just stop meltdowns in the moment, it teaches children lifelong skills for handling stress well into adulthood. 

Why Kids Have Big Feelings

Children don’t yet have the brain development or life experience to regulate themselves the way most adults can. The part of the brain responsible for logic and problem-solving is still under construction, especially in younger kids. That’s why when they feel frustrated, tired, or overstimulated, emotions can take over completely.

When children feel stressed or have gone through a traumatic event these reactions can be even more intense. Their brains  can move into “fight, flight, or freeze” more quickly. That means they might go from calm to screaming in seconds, or have a harder time coming back down after they’re upset. (This concept also applies to adults, it just doesn’t typically look like scream crying because they can’t have the pink lollipop)

Understanding this helps us shift our mindset: tantrums aren’t manipulation. Tantrums tell us that something is overwhelming and the child doesn’t know how to navigate it alone. 

Reacting vs. Responding

Just as a tantrum is overwhelming to a child they can be overwhelming to the adult too! When we feel stressed, it’s natural to react quickly: by raising our voice, threatening a consequence, or walking away. While those responses might end the behavior in the short-term, they often don’t help the child learn how to cope with big feelings in the future.

Responding, on the other hand, looks different. It means slowing down, staying calm, and being the steady presence a child needs. Responding teaches children that emotions aren’t dangerous or bad and they can be understood and useful.

Practical Trauma-Informed Strategies

Here are a few trauma-informed tools that nannies and parents can use when a child is in the middle of a big feeling:

1. Regulate Yourself First

Children mirror our nervous system. If we’re panicking, they’ll feel it. Taking a deep breath, lowering your tone, or even pausing for a quick moment can help you show up calmer for them.

2. Connect Before You Correct

Children calm down when they feel seen and safe. Try getting on their eye level and saying something like, “You’re okay. I’m right here.” This reassurance helps their nervous system settle so they can take in what you’re saying next.

3. Name the Feeling Without Judgment

Instead of rushing to stop the behavior, acknowledge the emotion: “You’re so mad that it’s time to clean up.” This tells the child their emotions are valid. Even if their interpretation of the situation is wrong and their actions need to change, their emotions still matter.

4. Offer a Calming Strategy

Younger children often need physical support; like a hug, rocking, or deep breaths together. Older children might benefit from choices, a quiet space or a calm-down basket with comfort items.

5. Teach After, Not During

When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, they aren’t in a place to learn. Once they’re calm, that’s the time to talk about problem-solving, choices, boundaries, or even consequences. Trauma-informed care recognizes that true learning happens when the body and brain are calm again.

Why This Matters

Responding instead of reacting isn’t about being permissive. It’s about being effective. Over time, this approach builds trust and helps children feel secure in their relationships with caregivers. They begin to understand that their emotions aren’t “bad” or “too much” and they can gain independence in navigating stressful situations moving forward. 

For parents and nannies working together, a trauma-informed lens also creates consistency. When both sides approach big emotions with connection and calm, children receive the same message in both environments: you are safe, you are loved, and you can handle hard feelings.

No caregiver gets this right every time. Even the most patient nanny or parent will sometimes react out of their own stress. What matters most is practicing. Practice the pause: slowing down enough to respond with empathy and presence even in the “smaller” incidents. So that you are more capable to employ that skill during “larger” incidents. Each time you do, you’re not only diffusing a tantrum, you’re shaping a child’s ability to regulate and connect for years to come.

Final Encouragement

If you find that regulating yourself in these moments feels hard, you’re not alone. Caregivers carry their own stress, past experiences, and responsibilities that make staying calm with children especially challenging. The good news is that self-regulation is a skill you can learn and strengthen over time. In my counseling practice, I specialize in supporting women who are working hard, motivated to give their best, and ready to care for their own emotional well-being along the way. If that sounds like you, I’d be honored to walk with you on that journey.

Bio:

Cat Myers is a licensed therapist and mom of three who understands firsthand how big feelings—kids’ and adults’—can take over a day. She specializes in helping women and families learn practical, trauma-informed tools to manage stress, build stronger connections, and care for their own well-being along the way. As the founder of Still Becoming Counseling & Consultation, LLC, Cat is passionate about walking with women who are working hard and doing their best yet still feel like there are parts of their life that they don’t know how to handle alone. When she’s not counseling, you’ll usually find her at a park with her family, homeschooling with friends, or sneaking in a good cup of coffee.

Want to learn more about working with Cat? Visit cat-myers.com or follow along on IG @counselingwithcat.